June

June was my paternal grandmother's middle name, and a name I've always liked. When I was younger, I used to pretend it was my middle name. I have a perfectly good middle name already, but always wished it was June instead.

Everyone (ok, clearly not *everyone*) gets married in June. I keep seeing an increasing number of wedding related posts on social networking sites and drive by crowded churches on weekend, wondering what's going on... only to remind myself: oh. It's June. Right.

I've been lucky enough to get to spend the last two consecutive weekends with B. It has been a nice preview of what's to come. At worst, we'll have weekends. You know, if he's traveling. Which he'll be doing. Next week, for example, he'll be in LA. So... for all my fears about being together in the same zip code and having the ability to be attached at the hip... well, we're not going to be.

I grew up watching my parents marriage... a rare relationship of two people who genuinely enjoy spending every waking second together. Soulmates. They go to the grocery store together, they go to Home Depot together. They hold hands as they fall asleep.

I don't think that's normal. It's something that I've learned to not expect. What my parents have is rare. And, after trying to force it in my own marriage (hey, I thought that's what a good marriage was supposed to be)... well, I don't think I want that. At all, really.

As I age, I've come to value my independence and individuality. Maybe it's because I was so codependent so early on. Maybe it's because that's where I am in my personal development. Who knows. All I know is that right now, I'm mainly interested in being myself.

In the last few years since moving to Vermont, I feel like I've really come into my own. I've been really enjoying exploring on my own and trying new things and deciding if I enjoy them on my own merit instead of part of a cohesive couple-y unit.

I've been truly enjoying saying "I" instead of "we".

Despite having been with B for almost four years now, I still feel single. I would still default to that descriptor, I think, if I had to describe my relationship status. Not because I don't enjoy being with B. That's not it at all. It's because I enjoy being on my own. For the first time in a long time. I'm really, truly happy just being me. Being self-sufficient.

At first, I was dismayed that B didn't really enjoy all the same things that I do. But now I rejoice in our differences. Just as I need my space and time to enjoy my interests, he needs his. We definitely have our similarities... but I think I'll be more grateful for the ways we are different. And I'm super grateful that he encourages me to explore the things that I enjoy, even if he doesn't.

Cooking Adventures!

Yesterday was a sort of interesting day. I only was able to catch about 3 hours of sleep. So I was definitely in top form. I decided to go ahead with my plans to make Rasmalai and Penang.

I realized shortly before I began making the Rasmalai... this recipe calls for a pressure cooker. I don't have a pressure cooker. Hmmm... so I figured that the internet would provide. Right? The internet did not provide. So, my roommate went out and bought a relatively cheap pressure cooker. I put it together (assembly required) in our kitchen with a phillips head screwdriver. And we marveled at how I was probably going to manage to get it to explode.

Ah, confidence.

So. I used the recipe (and video) from Show Me The Curry. The recipe posted and their video didn't really jive, so I had to watch the video multiple times while cooking to make sure that I was following the recipe correctly.

First, I made my own paneer! This was an experience. I then had to drain it using cheesecloth and hang it from the faucet to continue to drip/drain for about 30 minutes. I let it sit longer, as I knew that I wanted my Rasmalai a little on the dry side.

After about an hour, I put the paneer in my food processor. This smooths the paneer out, apparently.

I then was left with a giant ball of smooth paneer. I sectioned it up into smaller balls, which, in retrospect, were still a little too big. I would definitely make them smaller next time.

Now comes the fun part - dropping the paneer balls into a pressure cooker full of sugar water. They float. It was sorta cool. We (my roommate and I) watched the pressure cooker anxiously the entire time.

And finally, served with the homemade cardamom/pistachio/almond/saffron flavored condensed milk.

It was a bit of a hot mess, but not too bad. The end result was Rasmalai, and it was tasty. Not as dry as I would have liked it - but it tasted divine, so I can't truly complain. I think I might tweak the recipe a little more next time I make it.

I also tried to replicate B's Penang curry recipe. I wanted more veggies in there than he used, and a little more chicken. So, I doubled the chicken and veg. He had coated the chicken with a cornstarch and water mixture to help seal the chicken before pan searing... and he told me that it was 3 parts water to 1 part cornstarch. I (for some reason) thought he was using a tablespoon. I doubled his cornstarch mixture due to the doubling of the chicken... and ended up with a weird soupy chicken dumpling mixture in my pan instead of flash seared chicken. I panicked and sent B a picture of my pan, and he confirmed that my mixture was correct... but that the unit of measurement was a teaspoon. If that. GREAT.

I figured the cornstarch is tasteless and would only act as a thickening agent, so I went ahead with the curry.

Thickest. Curry. Ever.

But still delicious. Didn't quite taste right, but still delicious. It definitely was more reminiscent of Groundnut stew than Penang,  but still. Delicious.

I'm about to try the Rasmalai on day two to see if it's any better/drier the second day.

Also: I did not blow up the pressure cooker. I did not burn down the apartment. Running on 3 hours of sleep, I'll call that a cooking win.

New Baking Endeavors

This week, I am endeavoring to make some desserts that I've always wanted to make, but never have had the guts to attempt.

I will make a mango cupcake. Or a fruit flavored cupcake that pairs well with a tart mango frosting.

I know that this can be done, as I've had a delectable mango frosting from a cupcakerie in Pittsburgh. I will learn how to do this.

I'm also going to attempt to make homemade Rasmalai. Rasmalai is an Indian dessert, which would pair so well with my Chicken Tikka Masala. It's also one of my dad's favorite desserts. I want to perfect this. Rasmalai is essentially a new cheese. So... for this endeavor, I'll be making cheese. At home. By myself.

There's no way this could go wrong, right?

I've glanced at tons of Rasmalai recipes from authentic looking sites. I think I can manage this. It appears that lots of people manage.

I may make the Rasmalai today. It's a rainy day out, and I gotta find someway to not obsess over B's absence.

B spent the weekend. He's working in Connecticut this week. He made me Penang. It was delicious.

So. On that note, I depart to further ponder how and when to make these delicacies. I'll post pictures and recipes, promise.

Life Gets Real So Quickly

I'm terrified and uncertain about this move on so many different levels - mostly logistical... I really do feel like I'm walking into this blind. Every other move I've made, I've made with people telling me where to go, what to want... or at least guiding me.

This move is all me. I have to decide what is best for me. And only me. There is no husband or father or roommate to consider. It's just me.

I almost feel like there's an echo whenever I say that.

It's scary to be accountable only to yourself. Or maybe empowering? How long do I get to be completely independent? I suppose that part is up to me.

Which brings me to my next freak out. B is moving to DC too. In July.

I'm so terrified of being in the same general area... we've never done this. Can we do this? How real is this pseudo-relationship we have going? Is it real? Is it sustainable? I never really had to worry about this. Not yet anyway.

I almost don't want to say what I'm about to say next... because I know my brother and my friends will latch onto it forever and will repeat it back to me. But I've avoided being honest here long enough... I'm not convinced that I really want to do this.

Let me be clear. I'm not referring to my amazing job opportunity or the move... although, who does really want to move in the middle of summer? I'm referring to a steady, committed relationship. I'm not sure I'm ready. Now that it's ominously creeping towards me in a very real way, I'm very hesitant.

What does that mean?

This relationship with B has been easy and convenient for me over the years post divorce. It's been nice to have someone to love, who loves me, and checks in on me every night. It's been nice to have the distance. And that last part is what I'm scared of losing. That whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder" element.

Over the past... almost four years that B and I have been dating, I've been on my very best behavior. He hasn't seen the sweeping highs and lows that my friends and roommates have seen. When I've been angry or irritated, distance has given him some grace. We don't really ever fight. We don't have to. What's that going to be like?

It feels like things are about to get very real. And I'm really scared. This comforting relationship thing I've been pseudo doing for four years is... well... suddenly not as comforting. And I know it's all the fear and anticipation floating around in my head causing the comfort to vanish... not something that B has done or said.

Is this what cold feet feel like? I've honestly never felt so confused and so certain about what I want in my entire life. It's a bizarre combination.

Thank God we're not moving in together. I'd be a complete wreck.

Americana

Our impromptu Americana dinner party went really well! Considering that there wasn't much prep involved, I feel like it was pretty successful.

When the first guests arrived, I had just finished making my very first apple pie. I utilized Betty Crocker's original/traditional pie filling recipe off the website. It didn't look super when I was putting it all together, but the finished product was both beautiful and delicious. I was impressed. I thought there was no way I could have made that work as well as it did.

We had hotdogs - organic, no additives, and a ton of watermelon... s'mores, corn on the cob... it was a pretty awesome dinner. Like an indoor picnic.

I utilized the National Watermelon Promotion Board's website, which is chock full of good recipe ideas, to find this recipe for Spiked Watermelon Balls. Yes, the name leaves something to be desired. Anyone want to come up with a better name?

I also froze some watermelon and made Watermelon Mint Margaritas. Everyone agreed that the mint was overwhelming. On subsequent batches, we cut the mint out entirely. So if you decide to make this one, I would advocate to only garnish with the mint, not add it to the blender with the rest of the ingredients.

L bought a contraption from the local grocery store called S'more to Love. Basically, you insert graham crackers, marshmallow, and chocolate, it presses it together and holds it in the oven for minimal mess, and in 3.5 minutes, you have a campfire quality s'more, right in the comfort of your own home. Yeah, it was fantastic. Every bit as fantastic as we had imagined.

Even better, the people who showed up were fantastic conversation. The first group arrived at 7pm, and the last group left around 2am. That's a good party.

Chicken With A Green Onion Cream Sauce

My friend S (yes, I realize that I have a million and eight friends whose names start with S) and I decided to exchange recipes. I sent him my recipe for one of my favorites, Chicken Tikka Masala. He sent me a recipe for Chicken with a Green Onion Cream Sauce.

I thought, well, I like green onion. Jamie Oliver really turned me on to the creamier pasta sauces instead of my traditional marinara. So, S's recipe came at a good time. I'm glad he sent it. And I'm really glad I made it. I've gotten nothing but compliments from the people who agreed to be guinea pigs and eat the pasta... and jealous comments from the people who caught the wafting scent of reheated pasta at work. I'd highly recommend making this one. It's easy enough, and delicious.

Chicken with a Green Onion Cream Sauce

Ingredients:
6-8 boneless, skinless, relatively fat free chicken thighs 

3 bunches of fresh green onion
1/2 stick unsalted butter

1 Tbsp olive oil

2 packages of fettuccine

3/4 - 1 cup organic, salt free chicken stock
1-2 pints heavy cream
3/4 - 1 cup Chardonnay
3 cups fresh grated or shredded Parmesan cheese
Tony Cachere's Cajun Seasoning

Directions:
Finely chop green onions from tip to stalk, set aside. Utilize my super-secret chicken cooking recipe in order to get the best quality chicken for your pasta (click here to access recipe). Save the juices/drippings from the chicken, you'll be adding them to the sauce later.

Melt 2 Tbsp -1/2 stick butter over medium high heat. Add green onions and saute until just soft. Add chicken stock and reduce by 2/3. Add chicken juices collected from the bottom of the broiling pan. Add wine and reduce by 2/3 again. Add cream and let simmer until semi-thick. You should be stirring constantly while this cooks down.

Adjust temperature as necessary to keep everything on a controlled, easy simmer. Thicken sauce further by sprinkling handfuls of Parmesan while constantly stirring.  Use at least 1 cup of cheese to thicken.

Boil water for pasta. Cook fettuccine as per the directions on the box.

Turn heat of the sauce down to medium low. Add chicken cubes to sauce, cook together for at least five minutes.

Add al dente pasta to sauce, allow to heat through, covered for 5 minutes. Serve garnished with Parmesan.

Notes: It is my personal preference to use dark meat. Feel free to substitute chicken breasts. I also added three cloves of garlic, minced. I sauteed them along with the green onions. Finally, instead of heating the fettuccine along with the sauce (my pan wasn't big enough), I mixed the pasta and the sauce together in a large bowl and served the pasta from the bowl, Italian family style.

Enjoy!

Playing Catch Up

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, right? Man. Life has really happened lately.

My head is still spinning... I'm not even sure when or how things are going to settle down into some sort of semblance of normalcy. Definitely not in the foreseeable future. Isn't that a fun thought?

So. Let's catch up.

This month I flew to Pittsburgh, ran a half marathon. Finished in under three hours. I'm pretty proud.

I also received word that I will be relocating for a new job at the end of July. This is going to be a spectacular change. My whole world is about to be turned upside down. All of this complaining I've been doing about how quiet my life has been in Vermont, well... I'm about to have an infinitely more hectic professional life in Washington DC. Be careful what you wish for, folks.

I've been inspired to cook a lot more, and have been making a series of delicious meals... from stuffed peppers to engagement chicken, to chicken with a green onion cream sauce... and I have photographic evidence that it was all gorgeous. I also made a lavender cake! From scratch! With homemade lavender butter-cream frosting!

Tomorrow L and I are taking Marx to the beach. We're then embarking on an Americana summer cooking extravaganza... there will be watermelon, corn on the cob, hotdogs, and my first attempt at an apple pie!

I am absolutely determined to enjoy my last Vermont summer to the fullest.

Oh, and I'm back on nights. But I have weekends off! So, normalcy... well, overrated, perhaps.

In other news... B has been apartment hunting in Washington DC. We'll be living separately, as planned, and will consider moving forward from there... and all my anxiety and nervousness about relationships is coming home to roost! This month has been a rollercoaster for me. I'm trying to not make any sudden movements right now so as to not spook myself.

I promise to upload some of the recipes and food pictures shortly!